Genealogy
A little girl asked her Father, 'How did the human race appear?'
The Father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her Mother the same question. The Mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
You told me the human race was created by God, and Mother said they developed from monkeys?'
The Father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Mother told you about hers.'

Eve's side of the story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.


And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.
'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'


And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see......... ...where did I put that useless tit?

Elderly Foreplay

The first old woman told the second old woman that
sometimes she gets
her husband excited at night by getting totally naked,
lying in bed and
putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great
idea, so that night
when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for
bed, she got
totally naked and began the process of putting her
legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she
was a bit
arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so
she rocked herself
backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that
she flipped
slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt
sticking straight up in
the air. It was just then that her husband came out of
the bathroom.

'Gladys!' he exclaimed' For heavens sake, comb your
hair and put your
teeth in .... You look like an asshole.'

This Pastor has guts!!

This interesting prayer was given in Kansas at the opening session of their Senate. It seems prayer still upsets some people. When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is what they heard:

"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.

We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem.

We have abused power and called it politics.
We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.
Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!"

The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev.. Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively. The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India , Africa and Korea .

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, "The Rest of the Story," and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired.

With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called "one nation under God."

If possible, please pass this prayer on. "If you
don't stand for something, you will fall for everything."

Three old men were sitting around complaining about
how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when
I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake
so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced
all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing.
My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday,
I came three times."